Have you been on Goop.com recently? I do have to give Gwyneth Paltrow and Team Goop some credit, the site is a lot prettier, user-friendly and faster nowadays. Gwyneth hired several proper lifestyle professionals to run Goop, which is why the site seems so much fancier these days. But what that also means is that we’re sometimes missing the personal touch. It used to be that Gwyneth wrote some of the content of her newsletters, or that you could really feel her hand guiding Goop towards her (elite) interests. But these days, we rarely get personal introductions signed by Gwyneth.
What does that have to do with anything? Well, some people are trying to make a new Goop post – “10 Ways to Have a Pain-Free Pregnancy” – into some kind of “Oh, Gwyneth” eye-roll. But here’s the thing: I kind of doubt she wrote it. She might have approved it, but I seriously doubt she wrote it. Anyway, would you like to know Gwyneth’s tips to have a pain-free pregnancy? #1: Be rich. #2: No, seriously, be rich and don’t have a real job where it would be frowned upon if you doused yourself head-to-toe in almond oil and got on all fours (or maybe your boss is into that). Goop’s Guide To Elite Pregnancy (you can read the full piece here). Here are my comments on Goop’s advice.
Don’t massage your lower back. Because of nerve endings or whatever. Just pay someone to massage your butt muscles. And sleep on your side.
Douse yourself in almond oil. Put lots on your stomach, thighs and boobs.
Get reflexology on your feet. Do not get foot massages, get reflexology. But never let anyone near your ankles.
Spend a lot of time on all fours, because it relieves the pressure.
Spend a lot of time in water, be it a bathtub, pool or ocean.
Try to only gain 2.2 pounds a month, you fat peasant.
Eat a lot of bananas, “steel cut oats, brown rice or grapefruit” because you’re probably constipated. Drink warm water with lemon. And lots of ginger tea.
Do NOT eat cow’s milk diary, fatty meats, pork, roasted peanuts and peanut butter. Also avoid fruit juices like orange juice and tomato juice, all wheat, sugar and sweeteners.
Don’t get stressed out. Meditate and take a lot of naps.
Have a birth plan but give yourself a break if you want an epidural or whatever.
I’m sure most of this is good advice for pregnant ladies, but I rolled my eyes at the diet restrictions. I know she means well, but she can’t help but create a long list of food that you’re never supposed to eat. And of course, after telling you all of the food you’re supposed to never touch and basically calling you a fat peasant if you dare to gain three pounds a month, she then gently reminds you not to get stressed out. Here’s a perfect solution to avoid a stressed-out pregnancy: have fun, get as much sleep as possible and eat what your body is telling you to eat. If you want a donut, don’t feel bad. If you want a steak, go ahead. You’re growing a human, which means if you want a steak with a donut chaser, that’s what you should have.
Photos courtesy of WENN.
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